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Big (and Growing) News!

This vulnerable post was originally published on my Patreon page. A few updates have been added to keep this current. Please visit my Patreon for even more updates about my life and how this news will be impacting my sex ed career! 

A few days after the first of November, I started feeling really dizzy and tired.  I called my doctor, but she was out of the office that week, so I set up an appointment with the new physician’s assistant. He asked me all of the usual questions, took my blood pressure (which was mega low), took my temperature (which was slightly high, but normal), and had me pee in a cup and get some blood work done.  He said that if the news was normal/healthy, I would just get the results in my online chart. If anything came up, he would call.

Content note: Things are about to get very personal.

8:00 the next morning, my phone rang. I was in bed sleeping next to my partner. We are not morning people, but I managed to answer by the third ring.

Physician’s assistant (PA): Hello, is this AJ?

Me: Yes, this is AJ. (I was suddenly struck with anxiety remembering that a phone call – especially one at 8 in the morning – meant something was not normal with my test results.)

PA: Are you sitting? I have some news for you.

Me: <trying not to panic> I’m in bed still. 8am is early for me. What’s up?

At this point I assume I am going to be told I have cancer, or maybe an STI. My partner and I had been having unprotected sex with each other for nearly two years, and we each had one or two other regular sex partners. We were strict about safer sex with others, but as an educator, I know that sometimes things happen even when condoms are involved. Truthfully, I crossed my fingers for gonorrhea. At least that was an easy one to treat.

What was said next though, was a sentence I had come to believe I would never hear.

PA: AJ, you’re pregnant.

<long silence of disbelief>

PA: Congratulations.

Me: Um, I think there may have been a mixup in the lab. Remember how we talked about my infertility and how I tried for four years? I can’t get pregnant.

PA: Well, I am almost certain this was not a mixup. Maybe a miracle? Why don’t you come back in today to confirm through a blood test?

AJ: Yeah, okay. I’ll be there in an hour. Is it okay if I bring my partner?

PA: I think that’s a great idea. This is big news.

As soon as I hung up the phone I started saying “ohmygodohmygod” and shaking my boyfriend awake.

Me: Babe. Oh My God. Wake up. It’s important.

BF: <mumbles and tries to go back to sleep>

Me: No! Wake up! I need you. I’M PREGNANT.

BF: <shoots up, now wide awake> WHAT?! HOLY FUCK.

Fast forward to the clinic. They get me in right away for another urine test and an hCG blood test. We wait what seems like hours for the results, but it was really only a few minutes. My partner can’t sit still, but I am convinced someone will walk into the exam room and apologize for a mistake in the lab.

I tried for years to conceive with my ex husband. We went through dozens of medical tests, hundreds of ovulation strips, boxes and boxes of pregnancy tests that were always negative no matter what we did. We had been on special fertility diets, used expensive lube that was supposed to help bridge the semen with the cervical mucus to increase odds of conception. We had spent thousands of dollars we couldn’t afford to try and make my dreams of motherhood come true. I had even taken fertility shots and had my ovulation perfectly matched with science for an intrauterine insemination in 2014. Still, nothing.

I had given up on the idea of pregnancy and childbirth. My identity was now as a sex educator, comedic storyteller, and polyamorous divorcée who was barren and embracing an adventurous childfree life.

I thought maybe one day I would foster or adopt, but I was certainly in no position to do that any time soon in my tiny basement apartment, barely making a living wage.

But the PA came back into the room holding a bunch of pamphlets and a very official looking clipboard. He handed me a print off from the lab.

PA: The results are conclusive. You are pregnant. 

I don’t really remember what happened after that or how my partner responded. I think we just sort of half listened to what the nurses and PA told us, took the pamphlets, and left in a daze.

I was definitely in shock. Not only did I think I was forever infertile, but I hadn’t even missed my period yet. My period tracking app said I was supposed to start my period the next day…but the next day my blood hCG results came in and showed I was at least 5 weeks along.

I wanted to be happy and excited, but I still didn’t think it was real. Or maybe I tried to tell myself not to get my hopes up because miscarriages are common, especially for someone with a history of infertility and unexplained health problems.

However, it became very real within a few days of the news, when I woke up one morning with an uncontrollable urge to vomit. I spent that day stuck in the bathroom and couldn’t keep down any food or water.

I called my doctor and she recommended saltines by my bedside, sucking on sour candies for morning sickness, drinking ginger tea, staying away from strong smells, and getting out of bed slowly in the morning. I tried all of those things and a whole lot more, but my body wasn’t having it. My “morning sickness” was an all day spew fest. It went on like that for multiple days and I had to get admitted to the ER because I couldn’t even keep down water or the anti-nausea meds they prescribed.

I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis gravidarum – a condition characterized by severe nausea, vomiting, weight loss, and electrolyte disturbance during pregnancy. I would continue to experience this condition for another 8 weeks. Early in the first trimester, on my best days, I could work from home next to the toilet for an hour or two and keep down plain crackers and ginger beer. When things were at their worst, I was throwing up 30+ times a day and unable to move more than a few inches. If I was having a very good day, I was able to leave my house for appointments and grocery shopping, but I felt horrible at all times and had to carry around my own personal barf bag.

My biggest and most badass achievement during those first few weeks was when I parallel parked my van with one hand while using my other hand to hold a plastic bag up to my mouth to catch my vomit.

I eventually started to come around. I haven’t thrown up in a couple of weeks but am still prone to dehydration and moodiness. I am constantly hungry but feel relieved about having any sort of appetite again.

Now that I am in my second trimester, I’m very much looking forward to eating for two and getting extra pickles on everything (which I have done for years anyway, but now people will think it’s cute instead of just weird).

When I first heard the heartbeat, I cried. It was really real. When my partner and I saw the baby move and squirm and wave on a screen, we both shouted things like, “Ah! Fuck! Whoa!” Fortunately, the technician was understanding and laughed along at our amazement.

I have had three ultrasounds at this point. We had a little bit of a scare with the second one looking abnormal, but so far everything seems to be going well (as far as we can tell). We do need to get a fetal echo to check baby’s heart just to be on the safe side, so fingers crossed everything is healthy.

The doctor told us last Friday what kind of genitals our baby has, but we will not be sharing that info with the public or even with friends. We know that a penis does not automatically equal a boy and a vulva does not automatically equal a girl, so we’re not going to be talking about the sex of the child with others. I have seen how early the gender stereotypes and restrictions start, and I am hoping to avoid that for as long as possible. Hopefully until our kiddo is old enough to let us know for themselves if they are a girl, boy, or neither.

Since I was so sick in the first trimester, I haven’t been able to work much. That means the podcast has been on hiatus and will probably remain on pause until March 2018, after all of the Valentine’s events of February have passed. I do have a lot of work coming up this month though, and am looking forward to getting back out there and teaching.

I am not sure whether this pregnancy qualifies as a miracle, magic, or just plain randomness in a wacky world. Whatever the reason, I’m excited and terrified and know my year is going to be very unlike any year I’ve ever had. Can’t wait to meet my mini Moosh in July!

Much love,

Amory Jane

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Gay Pigeon’s Slacker Ticket Giveaway!

One of Whoopee! A Sex-Positive Variety Show‘s sponsors – Gay Pigeon – is doing a last minute ticket giveaway for all of you slackers out there who procrastinated on getting your tickets for tonight’s show.
All you have to do to be entered to win is like Gay Pigeon’s Facebook page and Whoopee’s Facebook page.
That’s it. Just make sure you do it RIGHT NOW because the winner will be selected at 6pm and door are at 7 at Bossanova! See you there! 
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Vulnerability Porn – from me to you!

My birthday was this week, and what I wanted for my birthday was for my sex-positive variety show + afterparty to go well.  That meant a night the audience would enjoy and remember and, for me, high enough ticket sales so I could finally fix my sex ed mobile and get back out on the road to teach sex workshops and attend conferences.

Photo by Alex Ell from Whoopee! A Sex+ Variety Show

The show was incredible (seriously, the performers were amazing) and I kicked ass at my standup comedy debut, but we fell short of our ticket sale goals. We had a Sunday night show the night after the World Naked Bike Ride, there were record high heats, and it was just Pride Weekend – not easy to compete with those things. So, while I am proud of the show and everything it brought to the community, the joy of the event unfortunately didn’t last long for me because of the impact it had on my bank account. It was a major bummer, especially since I was hoping to earn some of the $700 I need for van repairs before I can leave town.

This is going to start sounding like a sob story, if it hasn’t already, but hang with me (it gets more positive eventually).

On my actual birthday, I had one of my worst days in recent memory. It started with me being admitted to the hospital with a very painful autoimmune flare-up, and continued to get comically worse, until it ended with both of my dogs puking all over the house. When it rains it pours, and this time it poured vomit.

I was pretty ready to give up. It felt like rock bottom to me after one of the worst years of my life, in which I got divorced, sold my possessions and moved into an RV to travel the country only to have the RV break down on me, was crashed into by a hit and run driver that left me with medical bills and worsened my chronic pain condition, dealt with multiple mental health crises, and had my heart broken (again).

Pushing myself forward in a career where I was always supposed to be “on” – sexy and funny and charming and self-promoting, didn’t seem feasible any longer. I told myself that as much as I love the work I do, and as important as sex and consent education and patriarchy-smashing is to the world, it was time to either become an off the grid hermit or get a “normal person job” that paid the bills more consistently. Not making enough money each month has meant chronic stress, which certainly doesn’t help pain or mental illness or healing from grief. But when I told my best friends about my fears and plans, they all told me I was full of shit. I mean, they did it in the nicest way possible, but they still refused to believe “hermit” or a 9-5  job were my only options. They begged me to never be normal, and encouraged me to try a few more things before I gave up on my dreams. Most of them agreed I should set up a Patreon, so that’s what I did.

The life of a sex educator can be exciting and hot and rewarding and ridiculous, but it can also be challenging, exhausting, and like I’m always fighting “Imposter Syndrome.” Plus, it can be really financially unpredictable, like when colleges wait two months to send a check for a safer sex workshop, or frustrating when everyone asks for sex and relationship advice and expects it for free.

However, I love my job and am very passionate about my chosen career. I’m good at it, and people tell me frequently how much it means to them that I do this work. So, I really want to be able to keep teaching, writing, interviewing, and podcasting about sex, relationships, love, and intersectional feminism. I also want to start embracing my creativity and getting more in touch with the comedian/writer/storyteller I’ve always been. I know creating and performing, and vulnerably sharing those parts of myself, will help me heal. And I hear that’s something the world needs – more healed people to help heal others.

Whenever things get to the point where I feel hopeless and helpless, I admit, I wallow in it for a day or two (#Cancer). Then I try really hard to get out of my mopey crab shell and rise from the ashes like a glorious Phoenix of Sex Wizardy (because apparently mixing a bunch of half-assed metaphors and witchy imagery is how I get inspired). That’s what this Patreon is for me – an attempt at an self-inspiring rebirth – or at least a healing new chapter.

So, please, won’t you allow yourselves to be inspired too? Join my Patreon, get exclusive access to my intimate stories/projects/comedy/podcasts/ridiculous life + sex ed videos and advice, and feel good because you are making a huge difference in the life of an educator (who can then make a difference in the lives of others).

Thank you for helping me continue my work. <3

 

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Ticket Giveaway!

Just a quick post to let you know that you have two chances to win a pair of tickets to this Sunday’s Whoopee! A Sex-Positive Variety Show + Birthday Bash.

Enter here to win a pair of tickets from She Bop!

Enter here to win a pair of tickets from PDX Pipeline!

Winners will be selected on Friday, so be sure to visit those giveaway pages soon. Even if you don’t win, tickets are available in-person at both She Bop locations (and saves you $5 in online fees) or you may purchase tickets online here.

Hope to see you there!

P.S. I will making my stand-up comedy debut at Whoopee! on Sunday. If it starts going poorly, on plan on just showing my boobs and pretending it was all a performance art piece. 😛

 

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Whoopee! It’s My Birthday

The monthly show I work hard on and that lights up my life – Whoopee! A Sex-Positive Variety Show is moving to the beautiful spacious Bossanova Ballroom on June 25th! The only thing that makes me more excited than that is the fact that June’s show falls right between my birthday and the 30th birthday of my awesome stage manager, Lady Coquine.

This extra special Whoopee! Birthday Bash will be our biggest show yet – with over 10 sex-positive and body-positive acts, including burlesque, aerial, comedy, drag, fire dancing, sex-themed storytelling and more. It will also be followed by Kinky Karaoke (and probably even a karaoke dance party)!

There will be a giant raffle with free tickets for the whole audience, sex toys, free lube and prizes, plus even more perks (like $50 worth of sponsor goodies) with VIP seating.

If you’re in Portland, I hope to see you there! 

Performers include:
Baby Le’Strange
Johnny Nuriel
Lady Coquine
Amory Jane
Stella Nova
Isaiah Esquire
Ivana Mandalay
Adam Pasi
Brandon Harrison
Dr Tallulah
and more!

Go-Go Dancers/Tip Tarts:
Valentine
Jasmine Rain
Lacy Knickers

Kinky Karaoke with DJ MouthLove

Community tables:
SPEEC
Madhatter Glass
Portland Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence

+ Tarot Readings, a photo booth, and dildo ringtoss!

TICKETS HERE

Sponsored by She Bop, Clone-A-Willy, Ironside Training, überlube, Gay Pigeon, and other wonderful queer-supporting + sex-positive businesses.

Please Note: Bossanova is ADA compliant but requires guests to contact the venue in advance of the show so they can set up for accessibility.

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Surprise! It’s an Edna Update!

It is not yet a 100% done deal, but it is looking like I am going to be trading St. Edna the Sex Ed Mobile for a van. After getting multiple consultations, I’ve learned that a new engine for Edna would be $1200-1600, and I just don’t have that kind of money. As much as I don’t want to part with my baby RV, she’ll have a better life if she goes to a mechanic who knows how to get her running again and keep taking care of her. Besides, a van could be both my every day vehicle and a decent road trip mobile for when I go back out on tour (which I am hoping will happen in July).

I’m having lots of feelings about this, because getting Edna was a huge important chapter of my life and gave me freedom when I needed it most. Plus, the night she broke down was a night that has a lot of memories attached to it and marked the beginning of another chapter for me. So, saying goodbye to Edna feels more loaded than any other auto trade or sale I’ve ever done. Maybe I’m being too sentimental, but this feels like another significant marker in a year that has been filled with heartbreak, change, and learning to let go.

The sweet/good news is that the mechanic who will likely be getting Edna saw the bumper sticker on back and asked about it. So, I told him that I drove the country with Edna to teach sex education. He thought that was great, and he wants her to stay named Edna (which makes me feel a lot better about all of this, as stupid as that may sound). He also wants to leave the bumper sticker on and get a stack for his other cars, and he said it’ll help him talk to his kiddos easier about “the birds and the bees.”

BRB, crying.
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Wonderful News in the World of Whoopee!

She Bop did an interview with me about Whoopee! A Sex-Positive Variety Show for their blog. If you want to know more about the origins of the show, what audience members can expect, and why the community needs a show like this one, check it out here!

Our next show is this Friday, April 21st at The Secret Society Ballroom. I encourage people to RSVP on Facebook and purchase tickets online in advance since we’ve been selling out. Tickets can be found here, and we offer both a general admission option and reserved seating VIP tickets. We’ll have incredible dancers, hilarious storytellers, sexy singers, a demo on roleplaying and much much more! For the full list of performers for Friday’s show, visit the new website I created for Whoopee! at whoopee.live

There will also be a Kinky Karaoke Afterparty this Friday, hosted by KJ Luke and yours truly (Amory Jane). It’ll be one part karaoke, one part kink demo, and 100% entertaining. Tickets to Whoopee! get you free admission to the after party, but if you have to work late that night, you’re always welcome to just join us for karaoke around 11 p.m. (and it only costs $3).   

Can’t make it to April’s show? We’ll be having next month’s show at The Secret Society on May 21st. Tickets are already available and may be purchased here.

Finally, two more pieces of big news in the world of Whoopee!: 

  • I have a stage manager now and she is already kicking ass and helping me take Whoopee! to a whole new level. With a background in theater, connections to many Portland performers and “theater kids,” and a strong commitment to sex-positive entertainment, Lady Coquine was the perfect fit for this show. I am so excited to have her on my team as both a stage manager and performer, and am also excited that when I asked her to send me a photo for the website, this is what I got back. Yes, I think we’ll be a terrific team. 😉 

Read more about Lady Coquine and her greeting card company, GayPigeon, on the Whoopee! website.

  • While we adore The Secret Society and think it is a wonderful venue, we are bummed that we’ve been having to turn people away at the last few shows due to being sold out. So, we’ve been searching for a larger venue that would be perfect for Whoopee!…and we finally confirmed one today. Starting in June, Whoopee! A Sex-Positive Variety Show will be at Portland’s famous BOSSANOVA BALLROOM! Bossanova is a big gorgeous historic venue with plenty of room for us to grow. They are one of the few venues in town that allows fire, aerial, and rigging, so we are absolutely thrilled at what that means for adding even more variety to our performances. Our first show at Bossanova will be on Sunday, June 25th and will also be a double birthday bash for late June babies – Lady Coquine and Amory Jane! Stay tuned to this page and/or follow us on Facebook for updates and announcements.

Hope to see a bunch of you in the audience or on the stage soon!

Photo by Amanda Contois
beautifulaberration.com
Performers from left to right: Jen Tam, Sindel Asylum, Alice Ada, Eric Snyder. From Whoopee! on 3/25/17.

 

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Sex on the Brain Episode 12: A Visit from the Mystery Box Show

Episode 12: A Visit from The Mystery Box Show Reba Sparrow and Eric Scheur from The Mystery Box Show visit the studio and talk with Amory Jane about sex-centric storytelling. We hear how their show began and how it’s evolved, chat about vulnerability, clowns, and “celebrities” as storytellers, and get tips on how to tell our own sex stories well.

Available below or on the go with iTunes and Stitcher!

 

Things mentioned in this episode

Sound clips from these two stories:

Masturbating Too Much?: Camille S. @ The Mystery Box Show

                                                 &

Evolution of a Threesome: Dirty Lola @ The Mystery Box Show

The Mystery Box Show’s Fifth Anniversary Show on April 8th

Kermit, Cookie Monster, and the Mystery Box

Whoopee! A Sex-Positive Variety Show – Get tickets here! Promo code = SECRET

Amory Jane’s story from The Mystery Box Show on 2/14/17:

 

Credits

Host – Amory Jane

Sound Engineering, Editing, and Theme Song – Mat Vuksinich

As always, a huge thanks to our sponsors – She Bop and Uberlube!

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Want more Femme Sex Party?

Community, Care, and a Femme Sex Coven

Read this heartwarming, sexy, sweet little personal essay written by our very own magical intern (Intern Courtney) for Autostraddle! It’s about her experiences with our Femme Sex Coven (also featured in Episode 9 of our podcast, Sex on the Brain with Amory Jane)!

This made me cry happy tears. So much love for my intern and friend, Courtney, for my community, and for all of the witchy wonderful femmes out there! <3

 

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Whoopee! at Dante’s

Tickets are still available for tomorrow (Saturday) night’s Whoopee! A Sex-Positive Variety Show.

This show is produced and hosted by me, Amory Jane, and will feature a dozen different sex-positive acts (music, comedy, burlesque, storytelling, fire dancing, fetish performance, and more!) followed by Kinky Karaoke until 2AM. If you are in Portland, you do not want to miss this show! Unless you don’t like sex and body-positivity, then maybe it isn’t the show for you. 😉

Tickets are cheaper in advance and can be purchased HERE. You may also get tickets at Dante’s before the show for $15. Tickets include admission for the variety show, a raffle ticket for free sex toys, a small thank you gift, and admission to the Kinky Karaoke After Party with KJ Luke!

Getting off work late and can’t make the show? Join us for Kinky Karaoke after 11pm for just $3!

Get more info and show us some love by liking our new Facebook page HERE.